On the fourth Thursday of every November, America celebrates Thanksgiving. We remember this day strictly by its notorious foods. While we wait all year to get our hands on the traditional and unforgettably delicious dishes, we are reminded why we chose to forget so much about the previous Thanksgiving dinner. Thanksgiving is the first time the whole family gets together to sit around a table in 365 days! It is the “ice-breaking” dinner that prepares us for the awkward holiday meals to come.
The mere thought of having everyone together, (including those we’ve strategically avoided), is slightly unbearable. Like a version of The Hunger Games, with a bit of a holiday spin, it’s the first time we battle with ourselves, our family, and our self-control, all at once. Rather than letting you go into full shock, Popular Everything has decided to prepare you for the hilarious and awkward moments that will unfold this Thursday so that “the odds be ever in your favor.”
1. The Confusion
We gather up at a distant cousin’s house. Kiss and hug elderly and strong-smelling women who claim to have known us since we were “this small.”
2. The Showdown
Gasp as we see sisters-in-law walk in with the same dish…
3. The Recruitment
Find that one cousin in the whole family who “gets you” and make a pact to help each other survive the imminent and awkward moments.
3. The Dread
Sit around a table, dreading the moment we must announce what we are thankful for, especially since three people already said “family,” and you’re out of ideas.
4. The Performance
Painfully fake a smile as your younger sister hands out “thanks” as if she just won an award.
5. The Denial
Barbarically attack the food on the table, while pretending you didn’t just commit to a diet plan last week…
5. The Mischief
Maliciously pour way too much of the scarce and sacred gravy onto our turkey
6. The Entertainment
Watch as the third World War begins after someone brought up the 2016 election.
7. The Self-Love
Scrape all the marshmallows off the sweet potatoes and place them on our plates because we’re totally worth it.
8. The Headache
Wonder if our IQ has dropped after listening to Uncle John’s Thanksgiving conspiracy theory.
9. The Embarrassment
Bare the embarrassing moment when your family puts you on the spot and asks you what you’ve accomplished, just after Shelly explained how she won first place in her high school’s physics club, and you don’t know how to top that.
10. The Insult
Brush off the fact that Grandma hinted at your weight-gain when asking, “do you really need all that food?”
11. The Defense Mechanism
Attempt to rationalize and suppress the guilty feelings that arise as the vegetarians in the family pass up eating turkey.
12. The Calculation
Randomly calculate how much money you’re willing to spend this Black Friday
13. The Amusement
Amuse your cousin by faking an interest in the new “lifestyle changes” she’s trying to impose on the family
14. The Power Trip
Remind your brother about the dirt you have on him so that he’ll hand you the last piece of cornbread.
15. The Shame
Try to regain your family’s approval after you’ve just, accidentally, spilled wine all over the turkey.
16. The Challenge
Challenge yourself to complete the final course: Dessert!
17. The Skill
Magically disappear when it’s time to do the dishes.
18. The Aftermath
And then wake up 5 hours later wondering what hit you; the answer is THE FOOD!
19. The Rose Colored Glasses
Only to proceed to live another 365 days, dreaming of the next Thanksgiving meal while trying to forget all the awkward moments you had to endure in the last one.